Was it a dream? Did it really happen? We awoke this morning to wonder if we had actually sat and watched the worst awards ceremony of all time or just eaten too much banoffi pie before going to bed and had a nightmare. But no, it’s true. Last night’s MTV European Music Awards did take place and really was that awful.

Where to start? Well how about the fact that they took place in Liverpool. In England, Britain, Europe – whatever your persuasion, it’s not America. So why did we have to endure a continuing parade of vacuous Americans parading onto our screens? Katy Perry as host – OK she managed to avoid coming across like a rabbit in the headlights but the increasingly fruity sexual innuendos quickly got tiresome. I know we gave them Russell Brand but surely they could have found a British or Irish host? It set the tone for the whole evening. Whereas we expect the American awards to be spectacularly foolish, the European version was always a bit cooler. Not anymore.

Instead, let’s let Jared Leto and his two non-speaking mates run a VIP bar and talk about themselves instead of interviewing people, while an office party seems to be going on in the background. Let’s get Perez Hilton to present the best act in the world ever! to Rick Astley. Except he’s not there because he knows that it’s a giant prank. Ha bloody ha. Let’s give awards with ridiculous names to Britney Spears, 30 Seconds To Mars (that fool Leto again), Katy Perry (what a surprise) and Tokio Hotel. And let’s get a competition winner to walk from London so that he can go on stage with, wait for it, Kerry Katona.

As for the performances, well it was a spectacularly put together opportunity for Beyoncé and the Killers to promote their fairly average new singles and Pink to choke on a feather from a pillow fight. Even dear old Kanye, who should have triumphed, was let down by some frankly hideous vocals and a bizarre staging that made it look as if his head was floating. The good points came when they put down the stars and stripes for a moment and remembered where they were. Take That were good, The Tings Tings fantastic but the best thing of the whole night was the Wombats covering Leona Lewis, which says a lot.

None of this, however, is to mention the most hideous moment of the night, as our very own Bono made his way to the stage, resplendent in a denim two piece, tripped over the step and launched into an introduction to -Saint’ Paul McCartney that draw boos when he claimed that the Beatles were really from -bubblin’ Dublin’ and culminated with the cry, ‘He is amongst us, avert your gaze.’ We averted our gaze alright, hiding our faces behind our hands in horror. Lord hear us, let this never happen again.

Katy Perry performs

Pink sings